and all that could have been
by leboisduloup
Summary: Heaven... is only ever what we make of it. (Massive spoilers, after the series, completely impossible. ^^ Enjoy!)
1. 1 : the destiny i've chose

This one comes out of a spoofish RP a friend and I began one evening.  Unfortunately- or perhaps very fortunately- we couldn't stay nonserious... and the whole thing became an absolutely amazing little storyline offshoot.  ^^  So some of the credit for the idea goes to my Raesis.  This, however, is just another exploration of the theme.  It's anime-setting, though the character interpretations are more based on our game... hopefully you'll not find them *too* far off.  ^^  Enjoy!

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 "But it won't _change anything, right?"  He queried into the darkness.  A lot of things had been altered; natural wariness had not.  The idea seemed safe enough... but in the end, what was the point of it?  "What's done is done... I thought things were set in stone."_

The words- he hesitated to call it a voice, but the thoughts (to him, at least,) were communicated in something approaching words- paused a moment, as though considering how to tell him.  Or perhaps, only how much.  Clearly, he wasn't getting the whole story... which, the circumstances being what they were, he didn't expect.  It won't change what happened, no.  What's done, you say, is done- if you changed what made you who you were- are- you wouldn't be there to change it.

"Exactly."  He paused, only a little less lost.  "So... If it can't be changed, then...?"

All you can change is yourself.

"A second chance, you mean?  To prove myself...?"

The... well, what was it?  More than a simple 'entity', decidedly not a person.  A presence?  No, that sounded too damned _mystic_.  The mind?  It would have to do.  The mind seemed warmly amused, and... loving?  A kind of perfect acceptance that made _love _seem the greatest understatement.  You've worried at that more than you let on, haven't you?  No.  You proved yourself long ago... did you really think you were that far gone?  Forgiveness is for all who deserve it.

"And I do?"

There was really no need for an answer to that; he didn't expect one, but figured the question needed to be voiced.  Instead, he contemplated exactly the task at hand.  "Will I remember...?"

We don't know.  It's different for everyone...  But you'll know what you need.

"And if I make it worse?"

It's only a dream.  A touch of regret mingled with that pristine affection, concern for him.  It was odd, to know something so vast cared so specifically about him.  Was it the same for everyone?  _But it must be...  _That's the way he'd always heard it.  Still... Knowing intellectually and actually feeling, especially when one was pure sensation and sentiment...  they were two very different things.  

Will you?

"Did you really have to ask?"

No.  The regret seemed to swirl away, replaced by the previous amusement.  He found himself amused as well.  But, the not-voice continued, 'sounding' a little too much like himself for his own comfort, It's the job.


	2. 2 : back at the beginning

Yeah, I know it's a stupid idea.  I like it.  Leave me alone.  ^^  Eheh.  Yes.  Did I mention these are RP-versions of the characters?  ::Anticipates having rotting veggies thrown at her.  Hides.::

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Life on the ship was strange, and even after this long, he wasn't used to it... though he knew, of course, it hadn't been as long as it seemed.  If he tried to grasp at the memories, and examine them, he found them blurry and indistinct... but he could forget, if he accepted them.  He could let his mind slip away from voices in darkness (or had it been in absolute light?  Where did the difference lay, anyway?) and promises.  And that made the task at hand easier.  

Rowan stopped him as he wandered down a corridor, inquiring about the fate of a stack of reports he'd been responsible for.  By now, he was unsurprised to find himself answering- just as he'd been unsurprised to find himself _writing the things.  _You'll know what you need. _ He didn't always understand it, but he managed somehow to do his fair share of work on board.  He was oblivious as to how that came to be, but very glad.  Granted, __they probably could have arranged it so he'd be free to loaf... but he would have come to hate that.  At least now, he always managed to do what was needed of him, somehow without exceeding his abilities.  It was like he'd been trained without his knowledge... peculiar, but not disagreeable.  He was even beginning to understand, to some degree- perhaps, if he stayed long enough, he'd be able to do it all on his own, without whatever internal source of knowledge he'd been granted.  Some sort of strange grace period.  God knew, _he _didn't understand.  The paperwork dealt with, he continued down towards the bridge, raising a hand to cover a yawn.  How he could feel so __relaxed, though... He forgot and remembered at the same time.  The things he'd known once were veiled, like memories from another life- they were, in more than one sense.  As much as he'd remained the same, the circumstances made a different man.  Would they even __know him, if they saw him now?_

"Nicholas!"  The young voice from behind him, as ever, managed to solicit a smile from the once-priest.  Wisely, he braced himself as a blur of light blue hit him full speed.  A lesser man would have ended up on the ground; Wolfwood, of all people, was used to being tackled by children.  But even _he was jarred.  The boys were a bit stronger than they looked, and if you weren't expecting it... _

"Watch it!"  he mock-scolded, grinning still, twisting to better view the boy who'd attached himself to his waist, at the same time trying to disentangle the limbs.  He met those eyes- familiarly shaded, but clearer, untouched by years and betrayals- without the pang of regret they'd given him for so long.  Seeing and remembering what was to come... or, rather, what _had happened... for a long time (he thought,) it had been nearly impossible to meet the utter _innocence_ in those eyes, when he remembered who he had been... _

Trying to avoid the discomfort that always came from piercing the illusion so thoroughly, he glanced up, cool grayed-blue hues meeting the other innocent gaze.  Oddly enough, _this had never bothered him...  Perhaps because the innocence he perceived here was something he'd never had a chance to see, back then...  Or perhaps it was the lack of familiarity with Knives, either boy or grown man, that allowed him to see what was 'really' here- a reserved child, quieter than the darker-haired brother, who was (as far as Wolfwood could see) more inclined to brood, and less likely to talk to anyone about what troubled him.  _

_"What's done is done... I thought things were set in stone."_

He managed to smile at Knives, tearing himself away from his thoughts.

_"So... If it can't be changed, then...?"_

_All you can change is yourself._


End file.
